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mariamaroo
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Country: United States
State: Massachusetts
Birthday: 1/1/1970
Gender: Female
Interests: Um? does email count? Or cuddling with my kitty?
Expertise: Jack of all trades and master of none...don't be an expert, it means you have to do the same thing all the time (she says, trying to convince herself).
Industry: Nonprofit
Message: message me
Member Since:
3/6/2003
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| I'm getting tired of being pregnant and waddling around all the time, having normal things be harder. I'm also not feeling ready to have a baby, emotionally, physically, or practically: if I had a baby in this house right now, I wouldn't even have a place to put it down!
But even though that's true, I am feeling more and more ... if not ready, at least aware of the reality of the oncoming baby (that makes it sound like a runaway train, which is kind of how it feels at the moment). I am feeling sporadically more connected to the baby, especially when it moves around and when I feel like I can connect it's actions to something, like noise, or me eating something, or even the baby's own patterns - like I know it wakes up and gets real active every night around 11.
Sometimes I realize that I haven't been making an effort to be connected with it, and I (already) feel guilty about that, or worried about my ability, or willingness, to connect with it once it gets here and is demanding attention and connection.
I'm worrying about names, too. It seems like we're never going to agree, and sometimes I feel like Tony is rejecting all my suggestions just because they're my suggestions - like he can't stand to like something I suggest, it hurts his ego or something. And I think I do that to him a bit too (albeit more tactfully). The truth is, if it's a girl, I really want to name her Phoebe. Tony says he hates that name, but I can't seem to get over it. At bottom, that's what I want to name it.
And if it's a boy, we haven't really come up with any names that I really like. There are a few that I feel ok about, but nothing that I really feel good about. I had no idea this part was going to be so hard. This is partly because whenever I imagined having a baby I was doing it by myself, and I didn't have to negotiate with anybody about the name - I'd get to pick whatever I wanted, and that was that. | | |
| It's been two months since I wrote anything. I got tired of it, tired of feeling like no one was reading it, or worrying that my family were reading it and finding out things I didn't want to share, as happened with my previous blog (and I'm still dealing with the repercussions of that).
I'm writing again today because I really need to vent some of what's going on inside me! I'm tired of everything right now: Tired of being in a relationship, especially someone manic and volatile. I'm tired of constantly feeling like I have to be careful what I say and do, like I can't just give in and have a tantrum if I want. I'm tired of worrying about what's going to trigger him, and trying to walk the line between detaching and taking care of myself and participating in the relationship in at least a semi-open way.
I'm also tired of dreading giving birth and all the changes that are happening - a new house (if that ever really happens), moving in with the partner described above, taking care of a baby, trying to take care of myself at the same time. All the therapy I've done up until this point, it seems, has been focused on getting me to be independent, able to take care of myself without unhealthy reliance on other people, learning not to take care of other people but to let them make their own mistakes and deal with the consequences, and now, trying to have a relationship seems to be about not doing all those things. I am so lost about what the balance is there.
I'd really like to be taken care of at this point! I'm tired of being uncomfortable because I'm pregnant, tired of trying to eat properly: trying to figure out what that even is, then accomplishing it, tired of being by myself every night and making phone calls to friends and relatives who are probably sick of hearing my whiny anxious voice on the phone.
I think I'm getting depressed. Every time I feel the baby move, it seems like a warning: "I'm coming out! And you're not ready for me... you're going to be more tired and stressed out than ever before, and you won't be able to handle it..."
I had another dream that I couldn't find the baby last night. I also had a dream that I was a student in a remedial elementary school class of some sort - and that I wasn't doing very well. For someone whose only area of confidence and success is/was school, that was a pretty scary dream, and I dread to think what it means.
I wish my shrink were closer so I could see her without a long drive, and I wish I could see her more often. So I also wish she was cheaper. But I don't wish to switch to a new one. | | |
| I had a rough day or two, yesterday and part of today, but I think after some messy emotions I'm feeling more together now. I do have a headache tonight, which sucks. It's because I haven't been eating enough, at the right time, or the right things for the past few days - at least. It's very hard for me. I have a really hard time getting enough vegetables. When I buy them at the store and bring them home, I never seem to get to eat them before they get too old, and when I go out, all there is a lot of times is faded salad, which I eat, but I don't think it really gives me too much nutrition.
Part of my problem is that I don't put enough (hardly any) time and energy into planning and procuring and preparing food. By the time I remember or feel hungry enough to get myself a meal it's too late, and I'm too hungry, and it's too complicated and involved to get fresh food ready. I'm a victim of the convenience food age, maybe. I don't know, I'll stop bitching now, but I have a hard time with it all. | | |
| I'm up too late - again - but I have been getting some pretty good work done tonight, on various projects. We're actually getting orders for the birthday CDs, which is really nice, because of the money, and also because it shows that people (some people anyway) are going to the web site and, like, reading it and everything.
I'm also working on album covers and the book to go with the new double album. I'm excited about that, and I wish that I had more time to spend on it. Or that I did spend more time on it, because I probably could if I really wanted to. Just like practicing piano, exercising, walking the dog? I really wouldn't have time for all the things I wish I had time for, even if I used every minute of the day wisely and well, I fear.
Tomorrow's gonna be eaten up by dance class, and acupuncture, and dealing with scary mortgages, and I probably won't get to work on much of any of the other stuff I want to work on. I'm so behind now, how will I ever survive when I have a baby to take care of too?? | | |
| I feel weird and out of sorts tonight. I took a sort of nap around 7pm, and maybe I'm just not going to wake up all the way. Also there's rain a-comin', and maybe the changing barometric pressure's doing something to me. Who knows.
I can't believe how fast my belly is growing - by which I guess I mean I can't believe how fast the baby is growing. I feel like I could actually watch it grow if I sat in front of a mirror for a while. I've been feeling pretty great this week - no headaches for 3 or 4 days, no dizziness for over a week, and pretty good energy. I feel like I've been able to get a lot done, which is a nice change of pace. I even had a mellow therapy session about how good I'm doing - now that's weird!
On the other hand I'm starting to get more scared about actually giving birth. Tony's mother - who I have never even met managed to freak me out by telling Tony to tell me how bad the pain was going to be when she found out we were doing a home birth. I'm trying to remind myself that she gave birth in hospitals in the 50s and they probably didn't know anything about natural ways of coping with it. But still! Eek! The only thing that makes me not freak out is the simple fact that there's really no avoiding it now, so there's not much point in getting all stressed out. And it's still a good 5 months away.
Yawn... I think I'm going to make some popcorn and watch a movie, because I don't seem to be much good for anything else tonight... | | |
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